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Oscar Sharp: Mr Fentible Whicks, then, expanded his breeches. Oscar… - A Most Illuminating Tale
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Robert Wells or Mr Waters
Date: 4.15 am, Sunday 8th February, 2004
Subject: (no subject)
Security: Public
Oscar Sharp: Mr Fentible Whicks, then, expanded his breeches.
Oscar Sharp: Observing invertebrates languishing, there
Oscar Sharp: he decided, reflecting, to live with the itches
Oscar Sharp: until he could find a more comfortable chair.
Oscar Sharp: But the chair, when he found it...
Fool: was held in position
Fool: By a man of a quite impassable size
Fool: whose buttocks were sprouting moss mould and lichen
Fool: and small arms protruded from under his thighs
Fool: In one tiny hand...
Oscar Sharp: he was frotting a tortoise
Oscar Sharp: which whistled and spat with alarming dismay
Oscar Sharp: at the image of Whicks's implausible mortice
Oscar Sharp: which sealed the lid to his coffer marked 'pay'
Oscar Sharp: For the lock was so complex...
Fool: A key was required
Fool: that modern technology couldn't construct
Fool: and the anger with which the tortoise was fired
Fool: was merely his way of saying "we're fucked"
Fool: For the coffer contained....
Oscar Sharp: [though you'd never have guessed]
Oscar Sharp: the cadaver of one quote notorious hare
Oscar Sharp: who was not, like his foe, with longevity blessed
Oscar Sharp: since his humiliation wrought fatal despair
Oscar Sharp: But the guilt-ridden tortoise...
Fool: discov'ring his rival
Fool: hung by a noose from an old redwood tree
Fool: and knowing the judges decisions are final
Fool: had found a small casket where noone could see....
Fool: The poor bunny's body,...
Oscar Sharp: all putrid and puffy
Oscar Sharp: was a bugger to cram into such a small space
Oscar Sharp: and poor tortoise ended up almost as fluffy
Oscar Sharp: as bunny had been before 'ending his race'
Oscar Sharp: Wiping blood from his shell...
Fool: the tortoise made haste
Fool: and ran to his master, the man in the chair
Fool: the path of the tortoise was easily traced
Fool: by the unbroken line of bloodied hare hair
Fool: the lazy colossus....
Oscar Sharp: just swept up the laggard
Oscar Sharp: and started relieving him right then and there
Oscar Sharp: so was rightly surprised when up old Whicksy staggerd
Oscar Sharp: infested, and clutching a tub full of hare
Oscar Sharp: In his years as a judge...
Fool: he never had heard
Fool: of a crime so deserving of demons from hell
Fool: his tirade began: "[an unprintable swearword]
Fool: my favourite box locked and it's starting to smell!"
Fool: red-faced and itching...
Oscar Sharp: he'd run out of patience
Oscar Sharp: and grappling his belt buckle open a notch
Oscar Sharp: he unleashed a seething great swarm of assailants
Oscar Sharp: which true to their habit went straight for the crotch
Fool: It took twenty coppers to lift the dead ogre
Fool: and still one brave bobbie was killed in the crush
Fool: And Fentible Whicks is now the proud owner
Fool: Of a comfortable armchair and a tortoiseshell brush.
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